I have pretty crazy dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was on a huge boat on Utah lake. Like, a boat the size of a large freighter or something. Suddenly, we heard these 4 really loud booms outside. So we all went running out on deck, and saw all manner of crazy military-esque aircraft flying around the lake and the valley. There were tons of huge buildings in the valley that obviously don't exist. At first, it appeared that they were doing some sort of air show. But then there was a huge missile heading straight for us, which subsequently exploded into the mountain behind. As soon as it hit, I remember it being loud enough that I went completely deaf, and was thrown to the deck. At which point I realized that America/Utah valley was under attack.
I knew that I was dead. I knew that the explosion was going to kill me. All I could think about in that moment, besides the feeling of overwhelming fear, was that I didn't want to die, that I wasn't ready. It was such an odd feeling, one which took me quite a few moments to shake upon awakening.
I really don't want to die. I don't even want to grow old. I was thinking today about the new mattress that I bough/love with all of my heart. As I was tearing it out of the wrapping a few days back, I discovered that since I did not purchase the full set (box springs,) my warranty was void. Which pist me off. I am going to talk to them about that. But that is beside the point. As I was thinking about the absurdity of a 15 year warranty, I realized that if I were still sleeping upon this mattress in 15 years, I would be a sorry human being indeed. At which point, I did the math and realized that I would be 41 in 15 years. If I am still using a mattress when I am 41 that I bought when I was 26...just murder me in my sleep. Painlessly, preferably.
Upon doing that math, I sort of freaked out a bit, realizing that 41 was only 15 years away. I don't ever want to be 41. I don't ever want to start to grow old. But the truth is, this life is just flashing by, faster and faster. Every single year passes by, almost as though it were a dream. I think of things that occurred a year ago, and it seems like mere months. I ponder on occurrences of 2 years past, and I can't believe they weren't last year. Where is my life running off to?
I don't want to die in an explosion on Utah lake, my body ground into the frothy waters, dragged to the depths (my dream Utah lake had depth, even if the real one doesn't) by the charred and shattered husk of a ship.
I don't wanna grow up.
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4 comments:
Are you a Toys-R-Us kid?
i will be retired in 15 years. or kill me in my sleep--that is, in my office.
i feel you. i feel very old. oh my gosh, i am 23... 24 somewhat soon... and i don't have a boyfriend, i am still working on my b.a., and i am still working the same job that i have had since i was 15.
and then the older person i am talking about about feeling old gets irritated and tells me i am young.
but then again, i live in california. people don't expect me to be married with children at my age.
I don't know anybody who wants to grow up. It's a depressing prospect. Like, I how old and I've done this little? I get these pangs as well.
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